Dear, Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar...

Dear, Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar

Word has reached my gossip loving ears that you're currently expecting your 19th child. While the mere thought of having one child makes me quiver in 'piss my pants' fear, you squirt out bible thumping babies quicker than Lionsgate produces a Saw movie. My first question is to you, Michelle. Does your lady garden even resemble a vagina anymore, or is it more in line with the regurgitated corned beef and cabbage that's been vomited onto the streets of Downtown New Haven during the annual St. Patty's Day Parade? Like, seriously, 19 kids is something even the best of Kegel exercises can't cure. Giving birth to you must be like a porn star taking a shit...just slips right out. Now, Jim Bob, clearly you enjoy getting your nut off, but I think it's time to strongly consider getting neutered. How could you even still like having sex with her? Do you even feel it when you stick it in anymore? I mean, that's not just a hot dog down a hallway, it's a toothpick down a mine shaft. For your sake I'm hoping you get to pop it into the pooper from time to time so you can at least feel SOMETHING. Love the show, and give my best to the kids.

Love, John

P.S. your niece Amy is hot...and kinda slutty...